When Ricky Gervais hosts the Golden Globes, you know it’s going to be good. From the moment he approached the podium in last night’s award show, everyone immediately braced themselves for what would come spilling out of his fanged mouth. And he certainly didn’t disappoint, throwing jabs at everyone from Caitlyn Jenner and Sean Penn to Ben Affleck and of course, Mel Gibson.
Here are our favorite jokes from the 73rd annual Golden Globes, including some of the unedited gems that everyone missed out on last night due to the censors going wild. (Also, in case you were wondering, rumors are flying that he’s already been asked back to host again. Whew.)
“Relax. I’m going to be nice tonight. You’re global megastars with amazing talent. Most of you. Some of you just married well. You know who you are. We all do.”
“It’s right that NBC should host this award show. They’re the only network that’s truly fair and impartial and that’s because they’re the only network with zero nominations. So…nothing in it for ‘em tonight. They don’t care, obviously.”
“I’ve changed—not as much as Bruce Jenner. Obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she’s had! She became a role model for trans-people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers, but you can’t have everything, can ya? Not at the same time.”
“The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press said if I say anything offensive or crass or resort to innuendo, he’s going to personally come out here and ‘pull me off.’ So, that’s an offer I couldn’t refuse. Yes, yes, that is the level—an old man pulling me off. Again. At least Jeffrey Tambor did it in a dress.”
“I love Jeffrey Tambor. I don’t know if that’s because he’s such a great actor or because he reminds me of my nan.”
“One Hollywood publication said me hosting would mean some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from a chance of winning a Golden Globe—particularly if their film company has already paid for it.”
"Our next presenter is the most respected actor in the room. That isn't saying much. Please welcome Morgan Freeman."
“The excellent Spotlight has been nominated. Yeah. The Catholic Church are furious about the film as it exposes the fact that five percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it ‘the best date movie ever.’”
“Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood and she received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, ‘How the hell can a 25-year-old live on $52 million?!’”
“Of course woman should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I’d like to say now, I’m getting paid exactly the same as Tina [Fey] and Amy [Poehler] did last year. No, I know there was two of them, but it’s not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That’s their stupid fault. It’s funny, ‘cause it’s true.”
“The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed The Martian a comedy and even nominated it. And hence, Matt Damon is here tonight. So, that worked a treat, didn’t it? To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels. But then again, so was Schindler’s List.”
“All-female remakes are the big thing. There’s a female remake of Ghostbusters. There’s going to be a female remake of Ocean’s 11. And this is brilliant for the studios, because they get guaranteed box office results and they don’t have to spend too much money on the cast.”
“Listen, if you do win tonight, remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do. Don’t get emotional, it’s embarrassing. That award is, no offense, worthless. It’s a bit of metal some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you, okay? That’s all it is!”
“I’ve got three Golden Globes myself…one’s a doorstop, one I use to hit burglars with and one I keep by the bed to—it doesn’t matter why, it’s mine. I won it fair and square. It’s just the right shape and size, it’s nothing…yeah. So, to be clear: That was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes, that I’ve won, up my a**. And they asked me to host. Four times!”
When introducing Mel Gibson after taking the actor down at the Globes in 2010: “Now I find myself in the awkward position of having to introduce him again. Listen, I’m sure it’s embarrassing for both of us. I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blames…we know who Mel blames. Listen, I still feel a bit bad for it. Mel’s forgotten all about it apparently, that’s what drinking does. I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out. So, I’d rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby.”
After Gibson came out on stage, Gervais asked him (which was bleeped by NBC): “Listen, can I ask you a question? I think we all want the answer to this. What the f**k does ‘sugar t*ts’ even mean?’”
When introducing presenter Matt Damon: “He’s the only person Ben Affleck hasn’t been unfaithful to.”
“Eva Longoria and America Ferrera aren’t just beautiful talented actresses, they’re also two people who your future president, Donald Trump, can’t wait to deport.”
When introducing Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong: "When Brad [Pitt] and Angelina [Jolie] see our next two adorable presenters, they're going to want to adopt them."
When presenting Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer: “Joy and Trainwreck. No, not the names of Charlie Sheen’s two favorite hookers. The films of our next two presenters. They’re best friends, by the way. They wanted me to tell you that. And if you forget, they said they’d tweet you and remind you. Basically, they’ll come around and shout it to you. They’re best friends. It’s like they’ve never had a friend before.”
As credits rolls: "We're out of time. From myself and Mel Gibson—shalom."
